well. i knew that it’d been a while since i wrote here, but i hadn’t realized almost two entire years passed.  i want to start by first explaining where i was when i started using this as a place to write.

two years ago,  i was 17.  i was 17 and still in love with Kerry and had been since i was 15.  I was 16 when she first assaulted me.  I know that’s in thich contrast from the feelings i had back then and even the feelings i had about this since before march of this year.  I was sixteen fucking years old and a child and she was an adult and she had sex with me.  we spoke openly about the age difference and she stated it as a huge reason we couldn’t date, but it didn’t seem to stop her from repeatedly assaulting me.  it was assault not for me being unwilling, but for me being a fucking child.  she was intensely manipulative, and after years of this, i finally officially ended things for the last time, fed up with her dragging me behind her.

i was done with high school, but i was still living at home, i was insanely manic, and yet, it wasn’t the worst.  After i ended things with Kerry, my manic tendencies increased, i was assaulted again while on a tinder date, and things really went south.

I ended up in the hospital, inpatient for psychiatric care.  it was only a few days, but it completely has changed my outlook on recovery.  the following was just a fucking rollercoaster of shit, being stuck in treatment centers, fighting with insurance, fighting with myself… but eventually i got back into the swing of things mentally.

smewhere in that mess, in july 2016, i met kenny.  we met doing coke in some rich kid’s apartment but he’s the greatest thing to ever happen to me.  we both got better at not doing drugs every weekend, and i quickly fell into his bed and then not long afterward, fell in love.  gay.  i know.  it’s terrifying because i don’t know what those feelings are for me, i’ve really honestly never been in this serious of a relationship that’s completely and totally healthy.  he’s wonderful, he’s so good to me, he’s so sweet and kind and great that i’ve never been happier with another person.

in may of 2017 i finally moved out.  the opportunity to move out came unexpectedly in the form of a sublease on a 3 bdroom with two great roommates.  i didn’t even have a job, or know if i could afford it, and i told them i was in, providing i had a little bit of time to figure my shit out.  within two weeks i had a job, was making enough money that the move was possible, and was on my own starting 15 may, 2017.

i don’t know what i want to do with this fuckin blog but i’m gonna try to come here more often to write.  i miss it as a thing i used to do, and i thing i have things to say?