You can’t wake up, this is not a dream
You’re part of a machine, you are not a human being
With your face all made up, living on a screen
Low on self-esteem, so you run on gasoline

how do you really know that you’re real and relevant in the world.  is anyone relevant  in the world.  will anyone ever be? is it possible to be relevant in the face of the entire existence of humans living on the planet?? the spanning of time that it has been since the first person is only getting larger.  it’s becoming harder and harder to stand out and do something g real and pure and original.  there’s no way to insure that what you’re thinking that what you’re feeling is real and original and a new thought and completely fresh.  chances are everything has been thought before.  i’d like to have just one sentence happen out of my mouth that is completely new.  there is o way to prove that we aren’t just a simulation gone wrong.  am i real.  am i just a creation or a pawn for some more intense, for some more real being. you’re not the first person to smoke a lot of pot and think that you’re profound.  this has all been done before.  you’re not special.  you’re a highschool drop out that has no job and lives with their parents and smokes a lot of weed.  there’s no originality in that there’s no way that you can keep doing what you’re doing.  this is temporary you’ll find something that you’re good at you’ll find your calling and you’ll be happy and be able to do what you need to do for your happiness.  this is not an indie movie.  this is not a lifetime movie.  this is not a halsey song.  you’re a human with life that came from your parents and some being with vibes and intense intent that knows what it wants.  you need to know the same thing or you’re gonna fall back you’re not gonna be able to catch up with it all.  too had.  too tough.  the moon looked orange tonight because of the forest fires in the west.  will the fires within me turn someone else’s good luck orange?  will i affect someone else’s good energy?  i just need to get to the zero.  i need to find out what i’m dealing with and i need to fix it.  i still have feelings for kerry and maybe she’s the energy that i’m tainting with my feelings.  i need to fix that and soon enough i will be close enough to her that it’ll be able to happen.  would i be happier if my scenery was the new york skyline and the dirtier streets or would i be just as unfulfilled and unsure?  will a change in location help or would being in new york totally put too much pressure onto the dreams tat everyone thinks i have??  do i have those creams? do i really want to aft or do i just enjoy theatre?  like i just enjoy music or dancing or beekeeping like what’s the difference between appreciating and aspiring?  would i be better off in cali or denver or canada or paris living the life that the media i consume tells  me i should? i’ve always tried so hard to be counter culture, to do the opposite of what the other kids my age should want to do:  college in cali and beaches and smoking and partying and falling in love with boys that fight and are more in the life than you are and that have bikes and tattoos.  but now that’s what sounds good to me, that’s what my parents don’t want and maybe that’s why i want it but i also feel like i need to give myself a chance and just experience that life.  it has to happen and although not everyone goes through a moment like that i believe that i do need to and maybe i’ll figure it out from there.   i really love it, i love where i am right now and how i am able to really connect with my thoughts and feelings i feel real and intense and important and relevent in people’s lives for the first time since god knows when.

notes: talk about medication and smoking and drinking

talk about being responsible for other’s lives ie: jinkx, mili, emma

talk about queens and gender and identity

talk about art school dreams and possible art degree

drugs you wanna try and ones you can’t

being sober less than being high this week

new york life if kerry and i start dating vs if we cut off all ties vs if we stay how we are now

cali life if same thing

cross country roadtrip with bella

freaky deaky

fake id